I have reconsidered my decision. While I would like Mr. IV to understand who I am and what I feel, I don't think I am prepared for the repercussions allowing him to read my blog will incur. I play it over and over in my head, and no matter how many times I rewind the tape, it keeps playing back pure destruction.
As Nicole and I sat, listening to The Eggplant Heroes (minus Pache), I felt the idiocy in my need to express myself. Most people shackle up the feelings and hide their true intentions. Why do I feel the need to be so different? Why have I made it my goal to rewrite the dating rules for a more direct, streamlined process? And what makes me think that this guy, of all guys, would respond positively to my in-your-face methods? I know so little.
I guess that leaves me with these options:
- Verbally revoke his request to read.
- Ignore his request and hope that he never addresses the issue again (likely not to be an issue since communication has dropped to the Dark Ages between us).
- Hand over the link and call him quits (because that is the most probable end game).
- Plan some ridunkulous scenario in which I spring my blog and my neurosis on him in one foul swoop. In this case, I would force an awkward face-to-face encounter in which I would make him read (not necessarily in front of me) and respond. Maybe I would make him use my computer so he wouldn't be able to bail without facing me. Maybe I would give him some printed pages and require their return. No matter how it pans out, this scheme is elaborate, excessive and at the top of my list. (Yes, I know that is something to be concerned about. Apparently I do more than dabble in my personal drama.)
First let me say that I love reading your blog and it seems to be a wonderful catharsis of the daily trials of love and friendship (and the fine line between them that is often smudged). As I friend I would not like to vote about which route to take in regards to revealing this blog to Mr. IV, but I'd like to toss out some questions for you to mull around in your brain:
ReplyDeleteIs there a hidden hope stuck in the crevice of your heart that is prompting this decision to "tell all"? Does part of you want to hand over the secrets of this blog not to "call him quits" but with the subconscious wish that he will read the blog, realize what he is missing in a girl who secretly wrote about him, and that he will change his mind and be with you? Seems like the script of a bad romance movie, but I've had these same ulterior motives and through my experience I have found that additional heart-searching never hurts :) Because in my opinion, this blog is sacred and a way to anonymously share the aches, pains, struggles, joys, smiles, and accomplishments in the search for your "someone" and your writing should be used to heal and analyze the drama, not as a weapon or pawn in games with Mr. IV. Springing this blog on him will not bring you closure, in my opinion, but keep the wounds open because there will be the expectation of his response.
Just things to think about :)
You are beautiful inside and out and I know that whatever decision you make will be the best for you.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to thank you for reading and for your feedback. I appreciate the suggestions and the support, in all its varied forms.
Now for my response...
Of course that hope is brewing somewhere deep inside. Lately it has mellowed to a simmer, and over time I am sure the flames will burn out. It is hard not to hope that a grand gesture will be awarded due returns.
At this moment, I do not think I am going to hand over the secrets of my blog. Eventually, if I publish these pages somewhere in print, I will personally deliver a copy. But unless he makes a blunt and adamant request, he will not be reading my heart any time soon. He hasn't proven himself worthy.
-A