Season 4 xiii: Asking Katie's Advice

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I decided I didn't want to hesitate anymore. I have been playing the waiting game for more than a month. He is no longer a part of my daily life, but I think about him daily. I need to know if all that think time is worth it. If not, I need to herd my mind onto greener pastures.

I decided to kill 3 birds with one stone. Coffee, a jaunt outdoors and the return of some past-due items.

He countered with his own proposition. With the addition of a movie, we could make it a deal. I was in.

I texted Katie. "Is it a date if we get coffee and go to a movie?"

No response.

Setting: Java Vino

We met there. I arrived early, ordered up my regular (from a Logan student) and settled in to wait. When he finally showed up he was casual. (Hint) With a brief greeting he ordered up and settled in for a little chatting. We talked about the day, about last night and about his new placement. Then we were off.

As I drove, I called Katie to fill her in on what had happened. Undecided on the answer to my first question, I pulled into the theatre lot.

Setting: Marcus Theatre

We parked and met up, talking about cars as we walked into the building. He bought his ticket first, waiting for confirmation that I would cover my own. I did.

We chatted into the theatre where previews had already begun. I made him choose the seats. We ended up behind another pair of Logan students. (Hint)

The movie was good. I wiggled around a lot. He was extremely focused.  So much so that he nearly jumped out of his seat when the dog attacked for the first time. I had to hide my humor for the next full minute. As the movie wrapped up, I grabbed my stuff and we walked out. We chatted about the movie as we went to our cars. We had to stop past mine so that I could grab his stuff. I made the quick move of removing the postcard I had casually written (it revealed this sitcom) and returned his things. We chatted awhile longer about our nights, the rest of his weekend, my spring break. I was freezing so we wrapped up our chat and went our separate ways.

I called Josh on the way home. He and his unnamed friend declared the event a date. I wasn't sold.

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I made it home before I called Katie again. We dished and decided I needed to make THE move. There is no time like now to make a true fool of yourself. I gave in, called my own bluff and placed my bet. I was willing to wager against my hopes and that bet paid off.

"This is weird for me...Was that just 2 friends hanging out, or was it something else?"

It didn't take him long to respond.

"Idk how to word it, so I will be blunt. Two friends hanging out. Sorry if I made it feel like something else."

I tried to blow it off.

Season 4 xxii: Entencerr?

Setting: Geneva Terrace

Last night's trouble dragged into the wee hours of the morning. After my initial blow, he sent back a rather quick, "Why not??" I gave him an hour to think about that question--to really stew in the possibilities. (I am too realistic to think the idea even crossed his mind again, but a girl can hope, right?) I sent a response. "You left with one of the reasons..." Ha. I thought I was being clever. He had, in fact, left with one strong reason for anyone to dislike him: Mr. Personality on top of Personality. Mr. IV's choice really left me wondering.

I didn't hear anything back, and I assumed I had either offended him or caught him drunk. I went to bed, not too worried about the lack of response. The fact of the matter is that something needs to change between him and me. If making things a bit more obvious is what it takes, I am past the point of regret.

I woke up a little after 12:30, craving water, and noticed my phone blinking red. His response: At entencerr...no dog with.

WTF?

I went back to bed, with questions on my brain. Between the booze and the students' behavior this week, I slept hard. Shortly after waking up, I reread the message. Sure enough, it was the same. The hazy excuse that drink may have distracted my mind flew out the window. Again, I was left wondering. And I don't wonder well. I texted him again, questioning.

He responded, but the answer only left further questions. What, if anything, is entencerr? Why would his friend Josh have been trying to pull a fast one (on me, specifically)? Again, I couldn't leave these questions unanswered. I summed all of my confusion up in my first question and received only, "Currently idts, but we could change that," for an answer.

Red Card.

Season 4 xxi: Stupid Boy

Setting: Howie's, La Crosse

I am not going to let him run the show anymore. I have been making the plans, but the power has always been his. He can choose to back out, turn down or pull away all he wants. I can pretend I have some control, but we all know I lost that when I sort of fell for him.

He ended up coming out tonight. I know Leslie would have advised me against the whole situation. Katie wasn't even in full support, but I bypassed the shame and went straight for the comfort. I have missed him. Plain and simple. But, when he showed up for drinks, I wasn't looking for him, and he didn't look at me. Not right away. Not for awhile. When he did, I felt awkward. I kept my distance. I am afraid of him. I want to let him in, but I know I can't... No. I know I shouldn't.

We talked a little. He winked at me way too often. (At first it was a joke, but then I lost count with the drinks. I don't know if it crossed a line.) He kept checking in on me, but never waited for an answer. He texted me innuendo with no real context. I don't know what his intentions were.

At some point he felt the need to share his ex's opinion of him (she basically called him a man-whore). I don't know why this was important information...apparently it connected back to the conversation we'd had about his reputation. At least that's how he brought it up.

Matt and Mr. IV joked around about their ability to pick up girls. Matt took the short end of the stick, and Mr. IV claimed a difficulty for turning away girls who liked him. I felt a blow. I know he didn't mean me, but I can't help feeling like I have been placed in that category. I am the girl who gives him too much unwanted attention. But, if that were the case, why did he decide to come tonight? Yes, he wanted to see everyone else, but if I were that much of a concern, he could have blown it all off. Instead he chose to add another tack into the cluster-fuck pin board in my head.

And to top it all? He kept reading my face, pulling questions from my features that I hadn't even asked. I still don't understand how he can read me so well and know so little.

By the end of the night, I was drunk and running tired. He was drunk and ready to go. And he went...with Matt...unannounced. The bill was settled, their coats were on and with a mini-goodbye, they were on their way out the door. Mr. IV made eye contact (with at least one wink) long enough for me to awkwardly try to finish the task of the night (I was there to return Dexter and his mouse picture). He wrote it off. "You have break for the next week, right? We will get together." He doesn't get it. I need to get this over with now. It hurts.

On the way home I stopped at a set of lights long enough to type and send: "I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore..." He can pretend it is a joke, but I can think of three reasons off the top of my head that make it a fact.

A Message from Our Sponsors

After a brief, and poorly timed writers' strike, new developments have occurred. In our absence, our feisty heroine has colored her hair to match her temper, has managed to leave well enough alone and has broken her vow of silence with a flood of chopped phrases. This season may not be headed where you would expect, but the end is not here...Yet.

Season 4 xx: To be Continued...

Setting: Logan, English Office, 222

I had a terrible day yesterday. The little termites ate a hole through my calm, and I was in rage mode when I entered the office at the end of seventh hour. He tried to cheer me up, but I was having none of it. I wanted to steam, to rage; I didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want to feel better about it. I ended up spilling to him later, after I had used my mad to get a little revenge. Telling him actually made it a bit better, but I think that was more from the therapy of talking than anything else. Before the end of the hour, I had sluiced multiple emotions, criticized charisma (mildly offending Mr. IV) and warmed things to tepid.

We emailed back and forth during conferences. It was chatty at first, but it ended up flirty. That wasn't my fault. He cranked up the dirty dial on Bananagrams, bragged about his looks and proposed a rather highly regarded effect on me. I questioned his response, and received only an "all of the above" in return.

Setting: Vogue, La Crosse

We all went to Vogue after. He offered me the seat and stayed close most of the night. He tried to draw me into the circle when Ann and Beth ventured home, even after a direct refusal on my part (surprise!). When he went to get a refill, I had moved to chat with one of my co-workers. He found me and joined in. He is friendly. He could have chatted with anyone. He didn't. Twice he left and twice he came back. I am sure it didn't mean anything. We were the youngest there. We were also the only English reps.

I left first. I was crashing. On the way home I called Katie. I needed her to talk me down from using the number I had accidentally memorized. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I felt like I had missed my chance. Fortunately (for more than one reason last night), I don't text and drive. Having Katie on the phone made the whole urge less likely. By the time I pulled into my parking lot, I had come up with an agenda. With a lack of negation from Katie, I went through with it.

"In case you haven't caught on, I joke because I like you. It's my thing."

Season 4 ixx: Truce?

Setting: Moka, North side

I decided not to leave things on a sour note. I do have to make some effort. After all, I don't want to return Dexter in a rush of anger. And, since coffee is my universal peace offering, I white flagged him a double of the rich and bold. I was feeling generous.

Plus, I haven't quite decided if I am going to tell him tonight.

Season 4 xviii: The End is Near

Setting: Geneva Terrace, Logan High School, Parking Lot, English Office

There is only one day left. I have been holding on to that. Dexter has remained unwatched, a hostage in this whole messy situation. I will return him when I am ready. Unharmed, of course. He was an innocent bystander in the whole situation.

Overall, today didn't go much better than the rest. I practiced my avoidance strategies, but didn't have to work very hard since Michelle was there. I did have to crank up a little Biffy Clyro to cover their discussion about his insecurities in his relationship with her. I couldn't muster even a little sympathy. I have my own confusions to sort out.

He wouldn't let my efforts reign effective though. He tried to draw me into conversation as often as possible. "Alysha...." (I think he said my name more today than he had in total over the last month.) I really wasn't listening to his conversation, and he had to repeat himself every time he tried to get me to chat. He doesn't take a hint well; he kept trying to joke me out of my music solitude. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was all warm and fuzzy with Michelle and wouldn't even offer him a little eye contact.

Then I tacked on a final denial by shaking my head and rejecting his high five. That's right Mr. IV, I won't be your work flirt.

On the way out of the building, Beth stopped me. She had one simple reminder: "You don't have to wear them tomorrow, but don't forget your 'Come Fuck Me' heels." Stellar.

This is my life.

Season 4 xvii: Foiled

Setting: Logan High School, English Office 222

I love my mornings. The biggest concern I have is dealing with students who don't get along because they were raised on opposite sides of the track (cliche, but true). It's the afternoons that slay me.

I was hired as an English teacher at Logan High. As part of that job, I have the right to sit at my desk, in my shared office, and receive the abuse of my co-workers. It's par for the course when you sign English on the dotted line. Expect the inappropriate and get ready to lie your ass off if you are anything less than "cultured." Being a prude, I have been lying through my teeth or hiding behind the faux wall to avoid any unnecessary attention. Unfortunately that does not suffice.

Today for example: While discussing Thursday night's plans for the entire department (including me, unless I want to beg off with some made up date and a list of lies), Mr. IV's after school activities came up. While the conversation started tame, with only a few sexual implications, it quickly spiraled to dirty. First the women wanted to know if Scrabble was the new code for sex. When this was negated, they moved on to questioning Mr. IV's pacing with girls. By this point, I wanted to shove pencils in my ears or run from the office. Instead, I sat at my desk, nursing what felt like a tomato-red blush and some massive discomfort. While he was slow in answering, his final response landed around "old-fashioned." But they didn't stop there. The conversation moved from a close call to too much questioning before Mr. IV stated that "watching a movie" was the new go to for sex. Christ. If I wasn't getting my blush on before, it would have rushed all over my face right then. Hadn't he just used that phrase this weekend when telling me about his time with her? I DON'T NEED TO KNOW! I wanted to scream, I wanted to leave, but I had to sit still. This wasn't supposed to bother me.

And then they turned on me. It started out innocent. "Alysha, what are you going to drink on Thursday? Beer, Sex on the Beach?" I made the unfortunate mistake and didn't proof my words before they slipped from my lips. "Actually, I like sex on the beach." Tony caught that. And dirty they went. Fine, that one was on me. I can take a little razzing, but what came next was beyond my comfort recovery zone. The discussion moved to my ability to handle the risque office chat. I played it cool, and didn't really give a sign on where I stood. But playing it cool was probably what resulted in my awkwardly saying, "I know things" in response to some question about the discussions in the office. The guys couldn't leave that alone. Both Tony and Mr. IV snagged and ran with it. I laughed it off, but my face felt hot.

My plans are failing.

Season 4 xvi: This Sitcom Gets Serious

Setting: Logan High School, Room 202, English Office 222

I avoided him like the plague. I knew he would be in the office for lunch. That is his routine, daily, so I worked in 202. I only popped in at the end of the hour, far too late for conversation, to grab a couple things off my desk.

I occupied myself at the end of 7th hour, inviting Leslie up for introductions to her boyfriend. Mr. IV walked through. He could easily have gone around, but he chose not to. Instead, he walked over when Leslie addressed him and made a point of saying he would be criticizing the color of my pants later.

By the time eighth hour rolled around, I didn't even feel bad that I was going to blow him off. I kept to myself. I even made it through the office once without being stopped. I had to make copies, and on my way back, my cruel intentions caved a bit. I grabbed his copies from the printer. That was my mistake. Apparently handing them to him (wordlessly, might I add) was an invitation. He asked about my day. I sent him a snippy response and hurled myself into 202.

At the end of eighth hour, I finally had to remain stationary in the office (a feat I had managed to avoid all day). I was looking through my desk stuff, trying to make sure I hadn't forgotten to grab something to grade, when he asked me how my weekend was, quickly tacking on an apology for not returning my texts Saturday night. I said it was fine (in a really snippy tone) and said it was good (without much enthusiasm). He didn't let it drop, even though I clearly  looked like I was headed out of there. He asked me where we (Katie and I) had ended up. I told him. Then he needed to know where that was located. I told him. But even that wasn't enough. He needed to know what it was near. I told him and picked up my stuff, ready to head to my resource room. As I rushed out the door I folded for a little tact and offered that I didn't know the bar, but that we had gone because one of the girls Emily was with knew the place. Then I was out.

Later, Kelly asked me how my day was going...in a sympathetic tone. I think she and Mr. IV must have discussed my breeze through on the way to copies.

Mr. IV and I didn't talk again. I stayed out of the room until minutes before final bell. When I got in, I packed up quickly and waited. Within minutes of the 3:20 chime, I was out of there, offering a "Have a good night" to anyone interested, and receiving one in return from him.

I feel a bit cruel for being so standoffish, but then again... it had worked.

Season 4 xv: The Gloves Are Off

Setting: Downtown La Crosse, Tres Compadres, Cavalier, State Street

I knew it was a bad idea. I had spent the entire morning avoiding it. And then I gave in. I was trying to be snarky, but I think it came off wrong. I have been trying to keep it playful, but something (which I was unwilling to admit) had changed in the tone of our verbal jousting. There were bigger things at stake. I had so much more to lose.

I should have let well enough alone when he responded, but I am incapable. I ended up texting again. Katie and I were downtown, waiting for Emily. His response was vague, noncommittal. It was surprising. He had been all big man about his plans to end up downtown. But later came, and he did not. Katie and I imbibed, Emily showed up to drink a pine tree and with Kristopher's guest appearance and a lacking response on the cheapest pitcher of beer downtown, Katie and I hit the streets. We strolled around for a little, but I felt the dissociation with the world I was trying to slink into, and we beat the streets back to my car, settling for some Train and open night air.

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I made it home without any additional blunders, and, actually powered through a reasonably uneventful morning before I snuck away to do laundry and some other illicit activity.

I didn't tell Katie about my dirty little secret until he had responded, nearly an hour later. The first response was harmless. I pried for more. And I got it. What I had known, probably since episode five, was proven right.

Tomorrow I will be spending eighth hour in 202.

Season 4 xiv: Confirmed

Setting: HSC

My students were on a roll this morning. Not only were they taking swings at the curriculum, but they were also digging into my love life. Sam, one of my favorite annoyances, was on to me from the beginning. When I said I hadn't been sleeping well, a comment that was connected to one Casey made moments before, he immediately jumped to the correct conclusion that it was over a boy. I denied, liberally, but they kept searching. Tarran began to ask if it might have been the guy I was hanging out with at the dance. She even went on to say that he had said I looked cute. Ha, right. I doubt he did. I am sure she was looking for a reaction from me. I guess I will never know. I don't plan to bring up my love life with my students again. And then there was Lindsey. She decided that if I did not confirm or deny their allegations, she would go and speak to Mr. Season IV about the situation. I was cornered--so I lied. And that covered the bases...Until Tarran began to suggest different guys she knows who are my age, landing on Piano Man as the ultimate choice. But...we won't go there.

Setting: Logan High, English Office, Room 222

We didn't have a chance to talk yesterday. He was too busy showing next quarter's girl the ropes. He joked around with me a little in the middle of it all. But it wasn't playful...or if it was, I was starting to be upset with him and didn't take it the right way.

Toward the end of eighth hour Leslie came up to visit. We chatted for a bit. She had to catch up with Mr. Season IV about some tennis stuff. I tuned everything out, connecting to my music to block out my discomfort. He doesn't ask after me; I am always there. I am beginning to think he takes that for granted. Perhaps it is good that he leaves after four more days. He also found it necessary to joke about Tuesday's game night, laughing about our undercover evening as he suggested more to come.

At the end of the hour, Leslie brought up ice cream. We had planned to meet. A chance to get away from our problems and pretend summer had arrived. She invited him along. I don't know if it was willingly or if it was because he asked about it. But, he had been invited, and I had been put on confirmation duty--awkward. But I followed through, asking him minutes before we parted if he was in...unfortunately he was.

Setting: Culvers

I met Leslie and Emily there. We ordered ice cream and began to dish. We talked school, my possible future occupation misfortune, and, after his text confirming our extended presence, Mr. Season IV. And then he showed up, catching us all by surprise.

He acted all macho, calling the shots about Thursday's drinks, offering Emily his knee for her seat, keeping his sunglasses on (something I thoroughly disliked). And then he was talking about her again. Apparently they have been hanging out a lot. Apparently he is "interested in her." I wanted to stop listening. I wanted him to go to work. I stopped looking at him and eventually put on my sunglasses. If he read body language, he would have known. Instead he asked me about my senior dating life story. And I unloaded it. Although, halfway through I caught myself, covering my bases and leaving the lie I had told my seniors as the truth I told Mr. IV. After all, he is the guy who steals my sleep.

Setting: Best Buy

After Mr. IV left for work, Emily and I cleared out. She had to check in on her hubby, and I needed to keep my mind off of all things man. So we went, talked about my confusion, played with undefined technology and acted silly. After awhile we plunked down in the "lounge" and chatted out my plans. I have decided, somewhere inside, that I am going to tell him. I haven't worked it to the top yet, but it is getting there. Emily talked me through some of it as I shared the results of previous seasons and unfolded my plan for potentially ending this one. I don't know when I will make my move, but I am nearly sure it will be soon.

Setting: Barnes and Nobel

Eventually Emily went, and I was left to my own devices (a rather dangerous thing). With my brilliance, and my undercut anger, I decided to follow through with some previous plans to head to B&N to get some work done. When those plans had developed, I hadn't known that Mr. IV would be working there. However, with ice cream came that realization. And, while I second-guessed my choice, I ended up going through with it. I holed up in the Starbucks section, working through two stacks of paragraphs before I gave up, too antsy to continue. After packing up, and plugging in the book I wanted to find, I began to browse the store.

I am pretty sure I walked right past him on my way to the letter L, but I didn't stop, and I didn't look both ways. I didn't want to see him. And he didn't say my name, didn't try to find me. I kept roaming, even after I didn't find my book. I didn't see him, didn't scope him out. And I was looking at the discount section before he reappeared...right in my line of vision. I pretended I hadn't glimpsed him. He took a couple seconds and then came over. He had something snarky to say, and I dished back a, "get to work." We chatted a little longer, walking an aisle apart. And then he was gone, ringing someone up and leaving me to peruse. I only stayed a little longer.

When I got home, I doubled checked with Katie and deleted his number. I have had enough trouble for a while.

Season 4 xiii: Sleepless

I can't sleep. This is the second time this week I have watched the time tick slowly away. I can't get him out of my head. He leaves in less than a week. All I can think about is the end. I am not ready to lose what we have built.

I'm not sure what to do. I know I won't sleep.

Season 4 xii: Making it Known

Setting: Logan, English Office, Room 202.

I am okay keeping "IT" on the DL. I don't know what IT is, and keeping IT secret almost makes IT seem more real. But he burst the bubble on that one. He is letting outsiders in. They will know that something is up. I don't like it.

Most of the clues were subtle. He drew attention to the fact that he had found my car in the lot...parked to the front because I didn't have to teach my morning classes. Then he brought up music. Harmless except he was reacting to a boredom email I had sent at the end of second hour. And then there was the beginning of seventh hour. He walked through my room. Not abnormal. Most of the staff do this since my room is directly off the office. However, this time he carried on a conversation with Tony as he walked through. I was busy, doing who knows what, and didn't really tune into his conversation. Apparently Tony said he didn't care about whatever it was Mr. Season IV (I started to type his name! But it's too soon.) was griping about. To which Mr. Season IV directly addressed me with, "But Ms. Feldkamp always cares about how I feel." In front of my students. In front of the staff. With the door open to the office for everyone in there to hear. Harmless. Yet, to me, he was letting something slip. And I am not sure I am ready to let go of this secret.

If only it had ended there. But no, he kept chatting as he walked into the office. I was getting ready for class, and followed him in, grabbed a couple things and headed back out the door. Wrong move. Apparently he had been talking to me about rolling his ankle while he was running. I thought Ann was at her desk. I couldn't see. I just assumed. But, holy heck, did he need to make it known that I hadn't been listening to him and that he had been talking to me. And, when I asked him to repeat himself because I thought Ann was his audience, he clammed up and pretended he didn't need to tell me anymore. He even made it a bigger deal by saying that he needed to get work done and that I should go to class, shut the door and stop distracting him. Right, like it is my fault he talks to me! And then Kelly chimed in, joking about his role in his own distractions. I thought she had been out of the office, but again I was wrong. Whatever transpired between Mr. IV and me was not casual. It was a little flirty, but more than anything, it spoke to a relationship that was more than work friends. It could have been misconstrued as simply friendly, but after catching the looks between us during Wednesday's meeting, I can't help but wonder if Kelly might not think that something is up.

And then there was Ann's comment. Again, it should have been harmless--should have been. But, during lunch, he asked her if she wanted to meet his parents tonight. They are in town and want to meet someone who has been so influential in their son's education and future career. Ann immediately turned him down and offered me up in her place. She posed it as a joke: "You should take Alysha instead. She can pretend to be me." My head immediately began to roll with the thought of meeting his parents. I can say with utter honesty, meeting them as an Ann stand-in never would have crossed my mind if I ever even thought about meeting them. He laughed it off, but I can't help wondering what went through his mind when she said that.

We didn't talk much the rest of the day. But, the second we had the office alone eighth hour he spun around in his chair and sat, watching me. I don't get it. He complains about not getting his work done, but mocks me when I try to focus and tune him out. And then he pulls one of his stunts to get my attention. I can't tell if it's a game, avoidance or interest, and I am too chicken shit to draw the line and make him face it.

Verdict's out: Has the cat been let out of the bag?

Season 4 xi: Confused.

Setting: Logan, English Office 222, 8th Hour

I know that I shouldn't let this get to me, but it has. He is under my skin.

My expectations weren't as high this time. I had fun, but the evening clearly hadn't ended any differently from the first encounter. I had no reason to assume that it would have different day-after results. And I was right... mostly. But he was weird today.  He didn't come to lunch (probably a product of Ann's feeling under the weather), and I showed up late to 8th hour (I suddenly felt the need to rearrange my room). After trying to ignore him and work diligently, I ended up having to look over at him--he made a point of staring at me until I did. From that point he was on. He was dancing, and singing, and telling me about the rest of his night. He complained a little about his kids, played some music to test me and just talked. And I talked too...when I wasn't making faces at him. The funny thing was, that every time someone walked into the room, we would break our conversation. The second they left, it was back on. We did this mutually. Perhaps it was to guard our little work tryst from the prying eyes of some of our more brutal coworkers. I guess I couldn't say.

I like that what we have is ours. I only wish I could define what we have.

Season 4 x (Part 2): Trouble

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I did it anyway. There was no one there to stop me! My phone had the ammunition loaded; all I had to do was fire. Pulling the trigger isn't that hard. One pop, a couple clicks and the phone is on silent in my back pocket. No time for second guessing, only a shock of horrified regrets. His response came quick...unlike his appearance. He was taking a run, but might stop by in a bit. I didn't hear anything after that, so I cleaned. The apartment was spotless by the time he sent the second text. He wanted to know if I still wanted to hang out. What a silly question! I had my first beer open, the music on and some papers out to pretend grade (while I changed my outfit three times) before he showed up. He walked in like he owned the place and grabbed a beer. We stood and chatted at the counter for awhile. Nothing serious. We caught up on our days, our afternoons. It was a little bit of small talk and a whole lot of joking--per use. And then I pulled out Bananagrams.

I don't have the chance to play as often as I'd like, and he was the perfect opponent. He had never played, but he picked up quickly, shutting me down on the second game. (We will pretend beer number two had nothing to do with it.) We talked a little during the game, but mostly we joked. I poked fun at his incessant attempts to spell words that weren't words. He made fun of my three letter mini words and some of my more inappropriate word suggestions. Between the first and second game we got off track, talking about his mom and her texting. (His phone kept buzzing. I politely ignored, but he felt the need to explain...I am going to pretend it was only his mom.) He told me about the dinner he cooked "that chick," and about how he nearly messed it up. Then he told me about the movie they had watched. I wanted to step in then and tell him that I didn't want to hear about her...that I have a crush on him. He said he could read people by their eyes. I kept wondering what he saw in mine.

By the end of the second game, I was buzzed. I had spilled a little beer, stood a little too close to him and communicated with him via facial expressions only. He helped me pick up the game. We moved back to the counter and chatted some more. He joked around about his reputation, and immediately felt the need to share an exact number...which he had to figure out with his back to me. I took the chance to go outside. He followed. We looked at the stars (cliche, right?) and then headed back in, chatting awhile longer as he put on his shoes, getting ready to go. But he didn't leave quickly. He eventually moved to the door, but stopped to look at my calendar. We chatted for another 5-10 minutes in my doorway before I followed into the hall and watched him leave. We continued our conversation until he headed out the door by the stairwell.

Already he knows too much about me. He can read my face. He has picked up on my little secrets. I am afraid to keep letting him in, but I like being around him so much. Is it wrong to want to spend time with him when I know he is spending time with another girl? Should I stop liking him? Should I be more up-front about my intentions? Is there any way he may not have guessed already? Trouble. It's my pet, and I give it far too much attention.

Season 4 x (Part 1): I'm About to do Something Bad...

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I said I wouldn't, but my will is more conniving than you can imagine. I thought I had deleted every trace. But, I didn't double check.

Saved by Leslie.

...Or not.

Season 4 ix: Deception

Well, I didn't have to wait long to feel the impact. I cleaned my phone last night. Every text to and from Mr. Season 4 was dumped in the trash. I even made sure Drafts wasn't memorializing his number in secret. And then I deleted him. A couple clicks and not only his name, but my opportunities for gut-wrenching, impulse driven experiments were over. I didn't delete the FB message until I got home today. And I had to make myself promise to even get that far. I was tempted to get into it. He dropped a bomb today.

He had mentioned her one other time in passing. He works with her. They went out. But he brought her up again. This time he is cooking her dinner. And he felt the need to ask me if I cook. As if that fact really matters. Was he looking for pointers to help bolster his move on another girl? I am a pretty understanding person, but that is simply asking too much.

However, I answered. I can't keep my mouth shut. I like talking to him. I even like flirting with him--even though I know I need to stop. I am beginning to think he has the wrong impression of me. Perhaps he thinks that flirting is my natural state (something I would like to take as a compliment after years of fearing the opposite, but now is not the time). If he does think this, he is 10,000 miles from right.

Are they dating? I would assume so since she is going over to his place for dinner. So where does that leave me? Am I the flirty work friend he is going to unload all of his crush drama on? Have I really let myself fall into THAT category? Then again, I guess it wouldn't make much sense if this story ended any other way. I am too consistently self destructive for even positives to set me off course.

Stupid heart. You deceived me.

Season 4 viii: Technology Ban

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I pawned his number off on Katie. I would say I did it to help with my self control...but that would be a lie. I have none. So I gave it to Katie. Then I deleted all traces of him from my phone. Sure it sounds extreme, but I know myself. If I have the temptation, I will give in. I like to mess with my head.

We will see what impact one week without his number can have. I'll call it a social experiment and hate every second of it. But, it will make me feel less clingy, and it will make up for the annoyances I laid on him this weekend.

Season 4 vii: Wah Waah

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I have officially completed my idiotically impatient act of the day. I am pretty consistent in these endeavors. And while I don't want my idiocy to be judged without the proper background on the impulsiveness that drives it, I am feeling a bit courageous, so I will share today's rash act.

I swear that a good thing is lost on me. I have no patience when it comes to the waiting game. I determine my feelings on things in quiet, over time, and when I know how and where I stand, I let it go. Everyone must know. And I expect all others to follow this same path of self awareness. I know that is unreasonable, impractical and untrue (somewhere deep down inside), but I refuse to acknowledge that part. I prefer to make myself miserable in romance by setting my expectations unreasonably high and getting upset when no one can meet them.

With Mr. Fourth Season, the waiting game has been even harder. I know he is going to be in my everyday life for a limited time only, and I am trying to cash in on the time I am able to spend with him. This is problematic because: 1. before January we didn't know each other; 2. he leaves Logan in under two weeks; 3. I am struggling between pushing him away so he can't break my heart and doing everything I can to get close to him (talk about mixed signals!); and 4. my impatience is at an all time low. Therefore, I have been on the verge of annoying all weekend. And I can't seem to stop. It's my phone's fault really. If it would just die, or stay in my car, or refuse to send texts, this would all be cleared up. But, it is steadfast on being right next to me, always within arms length of another flirt text. (I know... I am putting myself in a predicament when weekend communication is limited to texts, but the guy works 40 hours at school and another 12-15 on the weekends.) And I text him. Today it was under the guise of his brilliant coffee knowledge. I asked him if he could tell me where a shop with outdoor seating was "Because I didn't want to waste this day!" He didn't respond and I immediately began to berate myself for my impulsive behavior. I also realized that, without meaning to, I had implied I wanted him to come with. So, to cover my mistake and make matters worse, I sent a follow up text. "p.s. that wasn't an invite (you know LAX better), but you can treat it as one if you want."

Fortunately, he's at work.

Season 4 vi: Now Who's Wearing the Mask?

Setting: Logan High, English Office

I have always wanted to attend a Masquerade Ball. I love to pretend at being outgoing, and ideally, a masquerade would act as the perfect playground for my faceless, nameless parade of confidence. I wasn’t going to chaperon this one. I like to keep my weekends teen free. 5 days a week generally provides me more than enough time with post pubescent youth. However, I was suckered in on this one. First by the unbridled excitement of Emily and Leslie, then by the bonus of Mr. Fourth Season. 

I felt like a giddy middle school girl all day. I was secretly excited at the prospect of putting on a cute dress and dancing (most) of the night away. I had picked out the outfit days in advance—and not just because I needed to match my dress to my mask. I had helped make the masks and had suckered Mr. IV into accepting a flashy purple version as his own. As the day wore on, I acted the fool in front of my kids, and by 8th hour I was chatty and viciously cunning with Mr. Fourth Season. He had kindly brought his copy of Dexter Season 4 for me to borrow, and had offered up some unwelcome information, so I didn’t feel completely bad about the repartee. I was also deluding myself into believing that I had no nerves about spending 5 hours with him that night.

Setting: Logan High Cafeteria 

Before I even fully comprehended it, I was flirting. I knew I probably shouldn’t because I get in my head and make it more than it could ever be, but I couldn’t help myself. He looked good. I felt good. It felt good. And so it began. We had to hang decorations together, so we teased each other about our skill…or lack there of (turns out hanging streamers off the roll really is a 2 person job, and no tugging is allowed). We set up the DJ booth and started selecting music—a process that required more than one person looking at a small screen. We were close, we were chatting, we were dancing. If there was nothing, my mind was playing tricks. 

As the night wore on, so did the music selection. By the 3rd hour, we had moved from iTunes to Youtube to keep the party bumpin’. That was around the time he was trying to find a version of Footloose. He stood just over my shoulder. And he didn’t move. He stood like that, leaned in toward the screen trying to figure out the title of the song. Eventually I gave in to my nervous instincts and shifted away, but I regretted it almost immediately. I liked having him so close. And that wasn’t the only time that night. With the loud music and the mandatory manning of the DJ booth, I found close contact nearly continuous. I felt like a middle school girl. Only this time, I actually knew how to flirt with the boy. And I didn’t stand against the wall and avoid eye contact (although I did avoid a couple requests to join in the dancing). No, I was snarky and playful and…yes, I touched his arm, and stole his mask out of his pocket, and stuck a sticker on his shirt. A bit middle school, but what can I say? I am a bit behind in my flirting education.  

After the dance, we all packed up, silly on sleep deprivation and each other’s company. With an executive decision, we followed the Dean of Students to celebrate a dance well planned over a drink or two (on him!). The conversation revolved around sports and school, but when the tab was settled and our kind host had vacated the premises, I unleashed my library phone number incident on the quickly fading group, getting a positive reaction from everyone but him. Emily was the first to leave, and her departure signaled Leslie that our time had come as well. We parted ways, each of us heading to our respective abodes. When I got home, I sent him a flirty text, regretful that I hadn’t been able to cash in on his suggestions of staying out later. While feedback was positive, I can’t help but wonder if he picked up the subtle hints of attraction buried under the playful jabs. I guess my literal mask wasn’t the only one to come off by the end of the night.

Season 4 v: Green Light Means Go; Red Light Means Chat?

Setting: my car, intersection in La Crosse

With the aftermath of Saturday night, I had been feeling a lot of fallout. I slept close to 0 hours on Sunday night (thanks to some incessant visits from the “Analyze this!” fairy), and I was in a mood Monday. I felt uncomfortable and needy. I wanted him to approach me with a grin and an attitude that said he had enjoyed the evening’s chat as much as I had. Instead, we barely talked. Maybe it was the sub in the desk across from his. Maybe it was that Ann suddenly became omnipresent. Whatever the case, I felt off. I went home a total crank, went to bed melancholy and woke up dreading my midday location switch. Suddenly I didn’t want to see him. Nothing had changed. Not really. I was simply afraid that he had confirmed a lack of connection Saturday night, while I had been swayed toward the opposite. 

And then there was 8th hour. Things were back on. He glanced over at the obnoxious laugh, at the inappropriate come-on. The looks were subtle, on the edge of my periphery, but they were there—our little inside jokes. But then he was packing up, walking Beth out. And he should have been gone. Except I pulled out in front of him and led the way home. But that really shouldn’t have dragged things out. 3 lights and he turns. 15 minutes later and I’m home. Instead, 3 lights and he is still in the lane beside me. In fact, with the red light stopping us, we are side by side. We make eye contact. His window creeps down. And we’re chatting. It only lasted minutes, so why did it make my night?

Season 4 iv: Dishes Under the Sink

Setting: My apartment

We all know I have terrible luck in the man department. It has come up. Over. And over. I pick them uninterested. It’s a talent of mine. But, failed luck has made me more courageous. What is there to lose when you know you are bound to fail? Low expectations=high risks when it comes to my love life. I have thrown caution to the wind too many times to count. Why not stumble and fall? By the 5…00th time you stop feeling the bruises. Trust me. I know. And so I threw out my logic and went snarky on him.

I was only teasing back about a solo night drinking. Well, teasing and totally plotting out the best way to make him come over (an event I knew from history would never happen). Hell, I was still driving back from the mall as I wrote the text in my head. The bottle wasn’t even open when I sent the first text to join me for a drink. And I was way too busy spot cleaning my apartment and shoving the dirty dishes under the sink to open the bottle before the final text that announced his approach. The cork didn’t actually come out until I had Katie on the phone with one of the most unexpected calls and panic in my voice. I had half the glass gone by the time I opened the door and hung up on Katie. There he was… shit. 

Season 4 iii: Third Time's the Charm

Setting: the office, my room, back to the office, back to my room, back to the office, Ann’s room

It was my birthday weekend (…stupid middle of the week birthday…), and I had plans. Sure they were hella scattered between dates and times and people and places, but there were plans. I was going out. I was going to do something. If I didn’t, I would hear it from my co-workers. (Secretly I am the biggest prude in the place. However, acting has become a necessary skill in my line of work—being a prude that is—and I have covered it well.) I was pretty sure the whole distorted mess of my weekend would end up boiling down to a nice meal, maybe a marg or a glass of wine. Nothing major. Just a good time. And that would have been enough had I not gotten it in my gut to push the envelope with Mr. Fourth Season. And push I did. First into my room…where I pretended to clean up the computers. Then back to my office because, man, those papers were just in such a messy state! Then back into my room where I may not have erased the board. On the last trip to my office I stewed up enough courage—or self loathing—to push through my room to Ann’s, where he sat, plucking away at his coaching application.

I went in all casual. “Oh, hey, Leslie is coming over in a bit if you need to talk to her.” And ended up perched on a desk verbal proofing his essay. That is, until he pulled the cord and headed for the door. I HAD to make my move. So I sprung. It was awkward, a question in a question. “So, how serious were you about going out this weekend?” An opening he probably wasn’t even aware he gave me. But I used it. I was in. With a positive response I unloaded the not so planned plans. We chatted, packed up and began to leave. All the while my gut kept shouting, “His number! You need to get his number!” I finally gave in just outside the front doors. He gave me his and I called in mine. A detail you might write off as unimportant, but with my history, we were talking first moon landing stuff. We walked to our cars. I left. He left. I grinned. 

When the day finally rolled round, he never showed. He had fallen ill to the odorless food poison in his fridge. 

Season 4 ii: The Jokester

Setting: Logan High School, English office, 2 months worth of 8th hours

He was back. This time in a more permanent position…kitty-corner from me. B.A.D. plan. A cute boy has always worked as my distraction. This one is not only cute, but easy to talk to and willing to put up with my snarky side. Before I realized it, eighth hour turned from prep to comedy hour, and I was in the spotlight. Everything (and I mean everything) could get me jabbing. I was a wit master! I couldn’t be stopped. I also couldn’t stop my lips from flapping about my family, my friends, my… (fill in the blank). I was on my toes, tipping to leap. I am not really sure how I stumbled over the edge, but there I was: floating. Maybe the butterflies in my stomach were what kept me up. Whatever the case, I was in deeper than I had expected. All from a few jokes.

Season 4 i: The Meet...Cute? It Was Anything But

Setting: Room 222, Logan High School, English office, the end of first semester.

Ann was showing him around, reintroducing him to the building and to the department. I had my glasses off, probably looked a wreck, shook his hand and didn’t take a careful inventory. My mistake. I was the new teacher, caught up in the hectic schedule Ann quickly spilled on him in those first moments. I am sure he was thinking “Who the heck is this chick, and why should I care?” (Maybe not. I am a stellar projector.) And that’s where it began. A quick introduction, some uninspired conversation and a complete lack of wit. Talk about a lasting impression! I suppose that’s what you get when meeting people becomes less organic. I couldn’t primp and press myself into my best version. He got the sloppy, end of day dregs. 

A Script for my Sitcom

I was unloading some recent romantic events on one of my friends today, and somewhere, in the throes of our on and off again conversation, we stumbled on the brilliant realization that my love life (specifically the lack there of) would make one of the most watchable sitcoms of this decade. It would start out something like this:


The main character, a pithy, 18 year old girl, fresh to college and freedom. An English Major. Silently smart with a shy streak that would stretch to the moon and back. 


The setting: A college classroom. 


As the scene opened, you would see the cast chatting away about rhetoric, squared off in desks, totally absorbed in avoiding the professor and her icy stares. As the scene unraveled you would be introduced to the main character’s silent pining after Adam. Through a host of humiliatingly courageous efforts, you would see the advances of the main character systematically rejected by Adam, and then confirmed by Janelle.


As the sitcom moved into its second season, you would be introduced to Nolan, and through a series of musically inclined interludes you would see the heroine crash and burn—again. 


And, just as you thought she would pick herself up, brush herself off and gain some control of her love life and her outcome, Jake would enter the cast. With his appearance would come ridiculous scenarios of “unintentional” run ins, barely concealed advances, and a brutal close to another tragic tale.


At that point you would be left in the fourth season of the show, the current season. While this one has no real development, it has started out with a bit more zest than the others. Perhaps our heroine will come out of this one with a hop in her step and a less jaded outlook on love. Then again, maybe she is just setting herself up for a deeper plunge. Only time will tell.