Season 4 xxi: Stupid Boy

Setting: Howie's, La Crosse

I am not going to let him run the show anymore. I have been making the plans, but the power has always been his. He can choose to back out, turn down or pull away all he wants. I can pretend I have some control, but we all know I lost that when I sort of fell for him.

He ended up coming out tonight. I know Leslie would have advised me against the whole situation. Katie wasn't even in full support, but I bypassed the shame and went straight for the comfort. I have missed him. Plain and simple. But, when he showed up for drinks, I wasn't looking for him, and he didn't look at me. Not right away. Not for awhile. When he did, I felt awkward. I kept my distance. I am afraid of him. I want to let him in, but I know I can't... No. I know I shouldn't.

We talked a little. He winked at me way too often. (At first it was a joke, but then I lost count with the drinks. I don't know if it crossed a line.) He kept checking in on me, but never waited for an answer. He texted me innuendo with no real context. I don't know what his intentions were.

At some point he felt the need to share his ex's opinion of him (she basically called him a man-whore). I don't know why this was important information...apparently it connected back to the conversation we'd had about his reputation. At least that's how he brought it up.

Matt and Mr. IV joked around about their ability to pick up girls. Matt took the short end of the stick, and Mr. IV claimed a difficulty for turning away girls who liked him. I felt a blow. I know he didn't mean me, but I can't help feeling like I have been placed in that category. I am the girl who gives him too much unwanted attention. But, if that were the case, why did he decide to come tonight? Yes, he wanted to see everyone else, but if I were that much of a concern, he could have blown it all off. Instead he chose to add another tack into the cluster-fuck pin board in my head.

And to top it all? He kept reading my face, pulling questions from my features that I hadn't even asked. I still don't understand how he can read me so well and know so little.

By the end of the night, I was drunk and running tired. He was drunk and ready to go. And he went...with Matt...unannounced. The bill was settled, their coats were on and with a mini-goodbye, they were on their way out the door. Mr. IV made eye contact (with at least one wink) long enough for me to awkwardly try to finish the task of the night (I was there to return Dexter and his mouse picture). He wrote it off. "You have break for the next week, right? We will get together." He doesn't get it. I need to get this over with now. It hurts.

On the way home I stopped at a set of lights long enough to type and send: "I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore..." He can pretend it is a joke, but I can think of three reasons off the top of my head that make it a fact.