Outtakes

Monday, March 12, 2012

I have been thinking about him all night. Maybe it is because I have taken away my options of contacting him. More likely it is because I want to know. I want to sit him down over a coffee...or better yet, a beer, and just talk out my feelings. I am sick of holding onto them. I thought I was being clear. I thought he had some idea on where I stood. Apparently I was mistaken. And now I want to lay it all on the line. I want to tell him that I can't stomach giving him advice about another girl. I want to...

I should have said:
I don't know how to say this. I invited you over for wine because I like you. I know you don't know me well, and that there was no way you could have known that asking you over was a ballsy move on my part, but that's where things stand. I still like you, and I have a feeling I shouldn't. You have talked about going out with the girl from work a couple times...I don't know how serious that is for you, but I feel like what you have with her is more than what you could or do have with me. It's uncomfortable hearing about your time with her. I want to do those things with you. But, I want you to want to do those things with me, and I don't even know it you have a clue how I feel.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Apparently I have placed myself in the box. I had planned to be all witty and draw him a little diagram. I would be a dot on the paper. The friend zone would be a box. He would have to move me where I belonged. But that is all unnecessary now. I guess inviting him to my apartment was a friend zone move. I didn't know. I thought I was being gutsy. I thought I was showing some cards.

Friday, March 23, 2012

I had to do my stupid act of the day. In this case, it was in the form of an email that spiraled into more than a couple texts back and forth. I may have let it slip that I missed him. I may also have invited him along to something I shouldn't have. He turned down the offer--he planned to go to a manager's going away party. I am sure he saw her last night. I ended up going to Chuck e Cheese and the Hunger Games. I kept wishing he was around--especially during the movie. It's all stupid, but he has become a part of my life, and now I want to keep him that way. I still don't know how to define this. My feelings are more than friendly, but I am pretty sure he is on track to define what he has with her. I lose again.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I invited him for coffee and board games. This time I removed implications and brought the scene to neutral ground. I was going to Starbucks anyway (I have gift cards and I needed to get some grading done). The trip wouldn't have been wasted. He let me down quickly. "Hah awesome. I totally would, but my buddies just came down from Green Bay, so we are headed out for food and drinks."

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I am trying to figure out where this season is going. I think there are really two options. 1. The season is cancelled; 2. The second half of the season wraps up short and finishes on an okay note as friends. However, I am terrible at the grey area, and I don't know if I will let things end as friends. I may force this to black and white and destroy any chance of friendship. That is typically what happens. Can I break my habits this time around? Should I?

Later...

I think he made the decision for me. I have been written off. It was nothing harsh. I finished Dexter and offered to return it. He said we would have to find a time when he could pick it up. If that meant he wanted to come to mine, maybe that would change things. More likely it meant he would have control over the situation and the chance to grab and go. I can't blame him. The season will have to end here. And, since I don't have the happy note to swing out on, the writers will just have to pretend to be on strike.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I miss him.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I thought about swinging past tennis practice. Leslie shot that one down.  I don't want to talk with him. Not really. I miss it, but I think it is more that I miss how much fun I had with him. I miss the excitement.

I need a break.

Later...

Was I too blinded by hormones to see how he was really treating me? I am wont to believe that I could have been that off. Either he was doing some leading, or I was following a clue that existed--if only temporarily. My friends keep backing me off though. Do they know something I don't?

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I have been trying to keep this season going. I think it is a pointless venture. I need to know when to call a draw, when to fold my hand, and when to walk away from the table without playing. I make too many risky moves. I wager too much.

Monday, April 2, 2012

I have managed to stay out of all trouble. I spent time outside, cleaned my apartment, did some shopping and read about half of Slaughterhouse Five. I feel my summer creeping on me, and I am enjoying the feeling. Although, I am already unfocused and bored in the four days I have been free of the crazy. I can only imagine what will happen with three months! Trouble. Haha. That's what. Good thing it won't likely be trouble involving this Season's guy. I can turn a new leaf and start a little trouble somewhere else. Hopefully somewhere that the trouble will be welcome.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I tried to get in trouble today. No such luck. I don't think I like this turn of events, and Vonnegut is no longer around to keep me occupied... I should have left for EC today.

Late...

I did something stupid. I was bored out of my face and I wanted to have something else to think about. Sue me.

I think I've been iced. I think someone thinks my intentions are...shady. Funny thing is, I have no intentions. I am just sick of sitting home alone.

And then the ice chipped. Sure his excuse was buyable, but not enough for me to turn off The Scather. Watch out kids. I feel a drunk rant coming on.

Later...

Shit. I melted. And it wasn't with a strong burning heat. It was a slow, easy glow. Talking to him makes me happy. That's a bad sign. This friends thing probably wont work out.

Latest...

At least he knows where to draw a line. I would just keep pushing forward.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

He blew up my dreams...

Late...

I should take less of my advice from the music I listen to. Unfortunately, those voices are the only ones I hear--currently--on a regular basis. And so I have begun plotting. I really DO need a board game opponent.

Later...

The line is out. No one is biting.

Latest...

Failure to launch. I'm going to bed.

Friday, April 6, 2012

In the wee hours of the morning, I find clarity. There are no distractions--utter silence. In the purity of thought I have begun to realize that I may have misstepped. There is so much I didn't question. I would ask for the answers now, but I am treading in uncharted waters, and I don't know how much longer I can stay afloat.

Later...

I guess the secret is out further than I thought. My sister knows. She wasn't supposed to. She'll judge me. I don't need that much reality in my imaginary world.

Monday, April 9, 2012

My playlist for the season is growing. My feelings for him are the same. I have successfully avoided communicating with him for four days--this may be the longest stint. Perhaps it's also a sign.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Ann said she thought he was gay the first time she met him. Ha.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Silence says more than a few words.

Later...

And, as always in these flimsy affairs, as soon as I am about to give up, something gives in. It wasn't me. At this stage, it very infrequently is.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I went for ice cream with Leslie. I had a pretty crap day and needed to remove myself from the headache of my life. I have been doing well, keeping him out of my life. But, he is in hers pretty daily. She brought him up. I tried to remain unbiased, but his recent outreach and her chatting put a chip in my resolve. I cracked and chatted him. Someone needs to take my technology away.

Later...

Mind-fuck. (Sorry for the language. I don't know how else to phrase it.)

Friday, April 13, 2012

Granny pants. Friday the 13th and he has a date with his grandma. Buying it?

Later...

Schmuck.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I guess the Grandma bit was legit. Still doesn't make up for the flakiness. Good thing my brain was on the verge of exploding all day so I couldn't do something stupid.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I went to the tennis match. Emily and I decided to support the little men. I wanted to see the ball of clumsy kinetic energy. And the shirtless wonder. He is the assistant coach, so of course he was there. I didn't try anything. It felt weird. He came over to chat for a bit, but I didn't make the effort, and neither did he. I left with an awkward good bye. Nothing.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I found out, yesterday, that he was coming to Logan after school today. It ended up raining, and I actually had a bit of energy left, so I stayed. He and Ann chatted away for a good hour. Occasionally Ann would bring me into the conversation, but most of the time I just worked away while they talked.

At one point she asked him about her. Apparently they continued to sort of see one another until last Friday. (Ah, so that's why I never heard back...) She stopped texting him and finally ended up telling him she was back with her ex. I sort of don't feel bad. I also don't know that it changed anything for me. I think I might be willing to move to the friend zone with him.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I went to another tennis match. I saw his car when I pulled up. Maybe I breezed past him. I dunno. I was trying to find Leslie or Emily. I ended up spotting Leslie and made a beeline. (I had to talk to her about prom anyway.) She and I chatted for a bit before he waltzed up, all casual-like. I could have done without that. In fact, I sort of avoided him. No eye contact. Very little verbal. I ended up pulling away with the excuse that I was distracting the coaches from coaching. I went and sat alone, pulling out the grading to nerd-bomb it up.

Eventually he strolled over. He made a couple of cracks about my grading. Something a bit tentative. I didn't respond with much positive force and he ended up walking away.

Leslie walked over a couple of times during the match to say hi and chat. He did not.

At the end, I walked over to say my goodbyes, and he finally opened up a bit. He asked me how things were. He brought up some stuff he's been doing. It seemed a bit of a stretch, like he was trying to make conversation from nothing. I guess he was. I didn't really give him anything to go on. And I complained. The thing is though, that I looked like crap, felt like crap (I am fighting a cold and had to ride around on a yellow bus all over rural WI today), and don't really want to feel anything for him anymore. He led me on. He was really into the other girl. He was upset when she stopped talking to him. He didn't say anything when we stopped doing whatever we were doing.