Goodbye

I met up with Zach for a farewell drink. One of the first things I noticed was that sleeping in a tent works well for him. Other than that, I realized that things have changed. I still find the guy attractive. I still enjoy spending time with him, but I don't buy into all of his bullshit, and I don't take his ridiculous comments as anything more than jokes with nothing to support them.
Nothing of real interest happened. We had a nice conversation and caught up. The only semi-interesting comment came randomly in the middle of the conversation. Zach decided to ask me how my book (ie this blog) was going. Ha. If I had been waiting for an opening, there it was. Instead, knowing things have changed, I told him that the book was on pause. While this is not a complete lie (I have nothing to write about after all), it wasn't a complete truth. I have had time. I have had little interest. I have been trying to sort out my feelings for a guy who turned out to be more sparkle than substance.
He spent the last couple of minutes telling me about his cover letter. I didn't buy into his sincerity, and after sticking my finger down my throat, I casually told him to gag me. Bad choice. He quickly retorted with a "can do."

If I had written my own ridiculous goodbye, I don't know if I could have come up with something better.

A Final Word

If I could tell him anything, it would be that:

He has been the best part of my first year teaching.

He made those months bearable (especially during the slow downhill slide approaching spring break).

He gave me something to look forward to at the end of my long, looong days.

He made me realize that it is never too late to modify yourself into the slightly better version.


Before things change, I want these words written down. I mean them just as they are. No edits, no context, no revisions.

Season 4 xxvii: Three Strikes

Setting: Highway 53. Starbucks, Onalaska, WI

I have struck out. No wayward balls awarding me a walk. No bunts. No foul balls from lousy swings. Nope. 3 strikes. There is no way around it. I'm out.

Last Wednesday I was left hanging, so I put a question on the line and didn't get an answer. Swing and-a miss!

The following Thursday I took a swing with a quirky quip. I went after the ball with too much power and was left spinning with absolutely no contact.

Later that evening I tapped my shoes, wiggled my butt, leveled my bat and swung at the ball after it had cruised over the plate. Curve ball.

And the umpire shouts, "...OUT!"

Season 4 xxvi: De Nile

Setting: Acoustic, Eau Claire, WI

I have reconsidered my decision. While I would like Mr. IV to understand who I am and what I feel, I don't think I am prepared for the repercussions allowing him to read my blog will incur. I play it over and over in my head, and no matter how many times I rewind the tape, it keeps playing back pure destruction.

As Nicole and I sat, listening to The Eggplant Heroes (minus Pache), I felt the idiocy in my need to express myself. Most people shackle up the feelings and hide their true intentions. Why do I feel the need to be so different? Why have I made it my goal to rewrite the dating rules for a more direct, streamlined process? And what makes me think that this guy, of all guys, would respond positively to my in-your-face methods? I know so little. 

I guess that leaves me with these options:

1. Verbally revoke his request to read.
2. Ignore his request and hope that he never addresses the issue again (likely not to be an issue since communication has dropped to the Dark Ages between us).
3. Hand over the link and call him quits (because that is the most probable end game).
4. Plan some ridunkulous scenario in which I spring my blog and my neurosis on him in one foul swoop. In this case, I would force an awkward face-to-face encounter in which I would make him read (not necessarily in front of me) and respond. Maybe I would make him use my computer so he wouldn't be able to bail without facing me. Maybe I would give him some printed pages and require their return. No matter how it pans out, this scheme is elaborate, excessive and at the top of my list. (Yes, I know that is something to be concerned about. Apparently I do more than dabble in my personal drama.)

Season 4 xxv: Secrets, Secrets

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I have been keeping a secret. Only Emily and Katie know what I am about say, and they don't even know all of the details. This is one that I have been mulling over between soaking in the sun, digging into some good music, and avoiding all things work.

I told Mr. IV about this blog. He knows he is a character in something I am writing. He doesn't know what that means. Not yet. But, I have offered to let him read. At some point. He seems excited at the prospect. That shows how little he knows. I tried to warn him, without being obvious, but there is no way he could have understood.

I plan to pick the time wisely. I don't want to put Leslie out, so I must wait until the tennis season is over. After all, I have no idea how to gauge a possible reaction, and she has been enough of a casualty already. Maybe he will laugh it off and we will stay friends (this is really what I hope because I know the next situation is on the hell freezing over end of the spectrum and I don't want him completely out of my life). However, maybe he will read this blog and see something he didn't before. I don't know what I hope as a result of this outcome. If I am real honest, the thought of a relationship with anyone, ever... well, it feels a little like trying to breathe at 65 mph with your head stuck out the window.

And yet... I want to spend time with him. My fingers twitch to text him some stupid plan: coffee, board games. Anything really. I miss talking to him, and I miss seeing him.

I think I wrote this blog for him. The secret's out.

Season 4 xxiv: Vonnegut

Setting: Barnes and Nobel

In the perfect world of TV sitcoms, this one would be filmed with a little perspective from each season's leading man. With the right angle and some carefully crafted lines, Mr. IV would turn my text into a (harmless) merciless mockery of my falling for him. We would continue on as friends with this little mix-up to laugh at.

Maybe that is what will happen. 

I decided to keep my plans. Around 3:00 I finally had myself moving enough to shower, get dressed and head out to the mall. My mission was to find a good book for the remainder of my break. I spent nearly an hour and a half scoping one out. And that was all I scoped. In fact, I didn't even notice him until I was about 15 minutes from leaving the store. It was right then that I also realized I had no way of skirting around talking to him--he was the only one checking customers. 

I wove around the shelves a while longer, picking up and putting down Faulkner, Kerouac, and a few others. I finally settled on Slaughterhouse Five and without a second thought, beelined for the register. He had other customers and was stooped below the desk bagging up their purchase. I avoided eye contact until I couldn't. He started in with a joke, saying he wouldn't ring me up. I responded awkward (Big surprise. I know.). We chatted a little. He asked about my day. I exaggerated and said I had been cleaning. He made fun of my book selection and spent way too long writing my new remaining balance on my gift card. (Balance, circles and a star.) We said our goodbyes, and I was out.

Maybe my text will just be some joke to look back at. Then again, maybe this is the end. 

Good thing I can stray to Fiction.

Season 4 xiii: Asking Katie's Advice

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I decided I didn't want to hesitate anymore. I have been playing the waiting game for more than a month. He is no longer a part of my daily life, but I think about him daily. I need to know if all that think time is worth it. If not, I need to herd my mind onto greener pastures.

I decided to kill 3 birds with one stone. Coffee, a jaunt outdoors and the return of some past-due items.

He countered with his own proposition. With the addition of a movie, we could make it a deal. I was in.

I texted Katie. "Is it a date if we get coffee and go to a movie?"

No response.

Setting: Java Vino

We met there. I arrived early, ordered up my regular (from a Logan student) and settled in to wait. When he finally showed up he was casual. (Hint) With a brief greeting he ordered up and settled in for a little chatting. We talked about the day, about last night and about his new placement. Then we were off.

As I drove, I called Katie to fill her in on what had happened. Undecided on the answer to my first question, I pulled into the theatre lot.

Setting: Marcus Theatre

We parked and met up, talking about cars as we walked into the building. He bought his ticket first, waiting for confirmation that I would cover my own. I did.

We chatted into the theatre where previews had already begun. I made him choose the seats. We ended up behind another pair of Logan students. (Hint)

The movie was good. I wiggled around a lot. He was extremely focused.  So much so that he nearly jumped out of his seat when the dog attacked for the first time. I had to hide my humor for the next full minute. As the movie wrapped up, I grabbed my stuff and we walked out. We chatted about the movie as we went to our cars. We had to stop past mine so that I could grab his stuff. I made the quick move of removing the postcard I had casually written (it revealed this sitcom) and returned his things. We chatted awhile longer about our nights, the rest of his weekend, my spring break. I was freezing so we wrapped up our chat and went our separate ways.

I called Josh on the way home. He and his unnamed friend declared the event a date. I wasn't sold.

Setting: Geneva Terrace

I made it home before I called Katie again. We dished and decided I needed to make THE move. There is no time like now to make a true fool of yourself. I gave in, called my own bluff and placed my bet. I was willing to wager against my hopes and that bet paid off.

"This is weird for me...Was that just 2 friends hanging out, or was it something else?"

It didn't take him long to respond.

"Idk how to word it, so I will be blunt. Two friends hanging out. Sorry if I made it feel like something else."

I tried to blow it off.

Season 4 xxii: Entencerr?

Setting: Geneva Terrace

Last night's trouble dragged into the wee hours of the morning. After my initial blow, he sent back a rather quick, "Why not??" I gave him an hour to think about that question--to really stew in the possibilities. (I am too realistic to think the idea even crossed his mind again, but a girl can hope, right?) I sent a response. "You left with one of the reasons..." Ha. I thought I was being clever. He had, in fact, left with one strong reason for anyone to dislike him: Mr. Personality on top of Personality. Mr. IV's choice really left me wondering.

I didn't hear anything back, and I assumed I had either offended him or caught him drunk. I went to bed, not too worried about the lack of response. The fact of the matter is that something needs to change between him and me. If making things a bit more obvious is what it takes, I am past the point of regret.

I woke up a little after 12:30, craving water, and noticed my phone blinking red. His response: At entencerr...no dog with.

WTF?

I went back to bed, with questions on my brain. Between the booze and the students' behavior this week, I slept hard. Shortly after waking up, I reread the message. Sure enough, it was the same. The hazy excuse that drink may have distracted my mind flew out the window. Again, I was left wondering. And I don't wonder well. I texted him again, questioning.

He responded, but the answer only left further questions. What, if anything, is entencerr? Why would his friend Josh have been trying to pull a fast one (on me, specifically)? Again, I couldn't leave these questions unanswered. I summed all of my confusion up in my first question and received only, "Currently idts, but we could change that," for an answer.

Red Card.

Season 4 xxi: Stupid Boy

Setting: Howie's, La Crosse

I am not going to let him run the show anymore. I have been making the plans, but the power has always been his. He can choose to back out, turn down or pull away all he wants. I can pretend I have some control, but we all know I lost that when I sort of fell for him.

He ended up coming out tonight. I know Leslie would have advised me against the whole situation. Katie wasn't even in full support, but I bypassed the shame and went straight for the comfort. I have missed him. Plain and simple. But, when he showed up for drinks, I wasn't looking for him, and he didn't look at me. Not right away. Not for awhile. When he did, I felt awkward. I kept my distance. I am afraid of him. I want to let him in, but I know I can't... No. I know I shouldn't.

We talked a little. He winked at me way too often. (At first it was a joke, but then I lost count with the drinks. I don't know if it crossed a line.) He kept checking in on me, but never waited for an answer. He texted me innuendo with no real context. I don't know what his intentions were.

At some point he felt the need to share his ex's opinion of him (she basically called him a man-whore). I don't know why this was important information...apparently it connected back to the conversation we'd had about his reputation. At least that's how he brought it up.

Matt and Mr. IV joked around about their ability to pick up girls. Matt took the short end of the stick, and Mr. IV claimed a difficulty for turning away girls who liked him. I felt a blow. I know he didn't mean me, but I can't help feeling like I have been placed in that category. I am the girl who gives him too much unwanted attention. But, if that were the case, why did he decide to come tonight? Yes, he wanted to see everyone else, but if I were that much of a concern, he could have blown it all off. Instead he chose to add another tack into the cluster-fuck pin board in my head.

And to top it all? He kept reading my face, pulling questions from my features that I hadn't even asked. I still don't understand how he can read me so well and know so little.

By the end of the night, I was drunk and running tired. He was drunk and ready to go. And he went...with Matt...unannounced. The bill was settled, their coats were on and with a mini-goodbye, they were on their way out the door. Mr. IV made eye contact (with at least one wink) long enough for me to awkwardly try to finish the task of the night (I was there to return Dexter and his mouse picture). He wrote it off. "You have break for the next week, right? We will get together." He doesn't get it. I need to get this over with now. It hurts.

On the way home I stopped at a set of lights long enough to type and send: "I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore..." He can pretend it is a joke, but I can think of three reasons off the top of my head that make it a fact.

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After a brief, and poorly timed writers' strike, new developments have occurred. In our absence, our feisty heroine has colored her hair to match her temper, has managed to leave well enough alone and has broken her vow of silence with a flood of chopped phrases. This season may not be headed where you would expect, but the end is not here...Yet.