When you live the life of a hermit, communication skills generally become rather rudimentary. Mine usually ride the range of technology. I feel safe in the world of black and white blinking cursors. There, things are black and white. What I write is what I mean. If there is a suggestion of something deeper, it can be uncovered in the permanent pages. Face to face conversations, and (god forbid!) phone calls, make my life a living hell. Suddenly body language can tell a story that contrasts tone of voice. You can lose yourself not only in the juxtaposition of contradictions, but you may also lose the tried and true signs of attraction—signs which I recently sleuthed the Internet for. (A bit ridiculous? I was desperate. And I flirt like a broken faucet.)
I should have a button that says, “Don’t talk to me. I’m Awkward.” Someone better watch out.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

A Script for my Sitcom

I was unloading some recent romantic events on one of my friends today, and somewhere, in the throes of our on and off again conversation, we stumbled on the brilliant realization that my love life (specifically the lack there of) would make one of the most watchable sitcoms of this decade. It would start out something like this:


The main character, a pithy, 18 year old girl, fresh to college and freedom. An English Major. Silently smart with a shy streak that would stretch to the moon and back. 


The setting: A college classroom. 


As the scene opened, you would see the cast chatting away about rhetoric, squared off in desks, totally absorbed in avoiding the professor and her icy stares. As the scene unraveled you would be introduced to the main character’s silent pining after Adam. Through a host of humiliatingly courageous efforts, you would see the advances of the main character systematically rejected by Adam, and then confirmed by Janelle.


As the sitcom moved into its second season, you would be introduced to Nolan, and through a series of musically inclined interludes you would see the heroine crash and burn—again. 


And, just as you thought she would pick herself up, brush herself off and gain some control of her love life and her outcome, Jake would enter the cast. With his appearance would come ridiculous scenarios of “unintentional” run ins, barely concealed advances, and a brutal close to another tragic tale.


At that point you would be left in the fourth season of the show, the current season. While this one has no real development, it has started out with a bit more zest than the others. Perhaps our heroine will come out of this one with a hop in her step and a less jaded outlook on love. Then again, maybe she is just setting herself up for a deeper plunge. Only time will tell.

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